First Round: Daniel Plainview vs. Kelis' Milkshake

DANIEL PLAINVIEW

Seed: 6

Overview: A newcomer to the tournament, you will believe this oil man when he says he is here to make a splash. Comes with a pint sized deaf son.

Pros: Somewhat of a bad ass. Hot hand right now.

Cons: Lacks parenting skills.

Outlook: It is doubtful that even Nasty Nas himself will be able to keep Daniel Plainview from drinking Kelis' Milkshake up.




KELIS' MILKSHAKE

Seed: 11

Overview: Kelis' milkshake is perhaps the most well-known such delicacy of the decade.

Pros: Kelis' milkshake is well documented to be "better than yours." It has brought many a boy to the yard, including Nas.

Cons: Just happens to be going up against an opponent built for the destruction of milkshakes.

Outlook: Should get drunk all up.

First Round: A Wee 3-Year-Old Girl vs. Linkin Park

A WEE 3-YEAR-OLD GIRL

Seed: 4

Overview: A wee 3-year-old girl last met Linkin Park four years ago in this tournament and scored a big victory.

Pros: Not Linkin Park.

Cons: Inexperience. Limited vocabulary (yet still vastly superior to her competitor's.) Also, I just can't bring myself to post a picture of a 3-year-old girl on my blog.

Outlook: This is a good match-up for a 3-year-old girl. She may still be trying to get her bearings about her, but Linkin Park is a nice practice game for her before she faces what could turn out to be an ugly scene in a second round meeting with Pirates.




LINKIN PARK

Seed: 13

Overview: Linkin Park is a comically terrible rock band from California. Some people seem to think they created a genre or transformed a genre or some dumb crap like that. Maybe they are right. I mean, where would we be without a genre where some dipshit sings the verses in boy band-like melody and then starts screaming and growling about something crawling in his skin when the chorus hits? And I guess they opened the doors for bands like, ummm, Drowning Pool.

Pros: They seem to inexplicably hang out with cool people like Jay-Z. So...maybe they are cool by association? Maybe?

Cons: You choose one.

Outlook: When Rick Rubin can't make you sound good you know you are in trouble. I see no way LP avoids getting pwned by a 3-year-old girl.

First Round: Tony Rich Project vs. Pirates

PIRATES

Seed: 5

Overview: Pirates are known to sail the seven seas and raid things and such. Many of them lack body parts, presumably from previous adventures.

Pros: Ummm...you have to ask?

Cons: I don't think they exist any more. And if they do they have shit like...GPS and stuff...and that makes them significantly less badass.

Outlook: Pirates are a perennial contender but I think they may be losing some steam. People seem to be getting tired of pirates. You know...a few years ago you couldn't get enough of pirates...but now, it's like, Johnny Depp...ok? Make a new movie...you know?



TONY RICH PROJECT

Seed: 12

Overview: You probably best remember Tony Rich from his 1996 hit "Missing You", in which he just kept "thinking about that love that we had." Apparently he has a couple more recent albums. But who cares?

Pros: That song was kind of catchy.

Cons: The Tony Rich Project is cool...but no Tony Toni Tone.

Outlook: How far can they go on the power of one radio single? Who knows? (I do...not very.)

First Round: Autism vs. Kickball

AUTISM

Seed: 8

Overview: Autism is everybody's favorite fad disorder! You've certainly seen it on the cover of Time or CNN. Enough said.

Pros: Autistic kids are usually pretty funny and cool.

Cons: Often confused with Asperger's syndrome, a disorder with only a fraction of the pop culture sexiness.

Overview: It's hard to say how people will vote on this one. For instance...does a parent of an autistic child vote FOR the disorder in support of their child, or against it in a fit of Cure Autism Now fervor? Difficult questions to answer.




KICKBALL

Seed: 9

Overview: Kickball is a game that is mostly played by elementary school children and the occasional hipster. It is exactly like baseball except you kick a larger rubber ball.

Pros: You can peg people to get them out. That's pretty fun. The rules are simple.

Cons: Inexplicably absent from most people's day-to-day consciousness.

Outlook: Kickball has been severely underrated for years. Beats me why there aren't 40,000 people flocking to kickball stadiums around the nation every day. In the meantime, kickball faces an intriguing first round match-up and it should be interesting.

Sorry for the hold-up...

I've been a little swamped what with school finishing up everything for school. The tournament will get rolling again on Thursday night.

Thanks for your patience and continued support.

Peace...and much love to ya.

First Round: My Dad (1) vs. Miley Cyrus (16)

MY DAD

Seed: 1

Overview: My dad is the coolest dad. He is cooler than your dad.

Pros: Looks good in a goatee.

Cons: Doesn't have a goatee any more.

Outlook: My dad is a perennial favorite in this tournament. Last time we ran this tourney he ran all the way to the championship game, where he was of course defeated by the juggernaut that is Robert Goulet. Similar results are expected this time around from the man we call "The Bishop."


MILEY CYRUS

Seed: 16

Overview: Miley is the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus...the guy who sang that "Achy Breaky Heart" song. She is expected to be the new Britney Spears, meaning everyone will stop whatever they are doing whenever she pukes.

Pros: Little kids dig her.

Cons: She's going up against my dad.

Outlook: Not hopeful for the young, Disney singer. She would have a legitimate shot if she were not going up against my dad, who is a beast in this tournament.

First Round: Dwight Schrute vs. A Pekingese

DWIGHT SCHRUTE

Seed: 2

Overview: Dwight has emerged as one of the most popular characters on The Office.

Pros: Exceptional ping pong player. Owns a lot of cool weapons. He's some kind of a volunteer safety officer. Practices martial arts. In short...there are many, MANY ways Dwight Schrute could off a Pekingese.

Cons: Questionable family history includes traces of Nazism. Not cool.

Outlook: Dwight should coast here. In fact, it may not be a bad idea for him to rest up and let Mose play this round for him.




A PEKINGESE

Seed: 15

Overview: A pekingese is the favored pet of the Chinese Imperial court. They are now known for being funny and moppy looking.

Pros: Cute.

Cons: Harmless.

Outlook: Legend has it that a Pekingese was created by the Buddha to be a temple dog. he was specifically made small so he could chase little demons out of the temple. A pekingese is going to have to come up with a whole bunch more crazy shit like this if he is going to upset Dwight Schrute.

First Round: Judd Apatow vs. Christmas

Seed: 4

Overview: Writer/Director of such films as 40-year Old Virgin and Knocked Up. This relative newcomer to the scene is looking to make a splash this year with fellow Jew-Tang Clan members Paul Rudd and Seth Rogan backing him up. I’d like an invite to that Shabas dinner.

Pros: Connections to Stella members Michael Showalter, David Wain, and Michael Ian Black. Is also rumored to be down with Michael Cera, which by proxy, makes him unassailably cool.

Cons: Casts members of Greys Anatomy in his films.

Outlook: Apatow is a fan favorite this year, and with a strong supporting staff, looks to make a deep run in this tournament.




CHRISTMAS

Seed: 13

Overview: Perhaps the most celebrated of all Christian Holidays, Christmas has incorporated many aspects of pagan and other cultural rituals in the name of Jesus. Christians have continued to decry the fact that Christmas is being taken away from them, despite the fact that 95% of Americans celebrate it.

Pros: Gives us a chance to play with our Red Ryder B.B. guns.

Cons: Only comes once a year, and unfortunately not in March. Also, Santa apparently can’t keep up with Wii production.

Outlook: An early loss by Christmas this year may be cause for more claims of persecution by Christians, despite the fact that they have, in some form, been in a power position since….um….Constantine.

First Round: Sunny D vs. Purple Stuff

SUNNY D

Seed: 7

Overview: A popular orangey drink that is bottled by Dr. Pepper...so that's kind of cool. Sunny D is mostly known for those goofy commercials where a bunch of kids chose it over all the other drinks in the refrigerator. More recently it has received a renewed popularity boost because everyone wants to be like that cute Juno girl...hey, at least Sunny D isn't as ridiculous as wearing skirts over jeans.

Pros: It's healthy, right?

Cons: I never really understood the difference between Sunny D and orange juice.

Outlook: This should be a competitive battle but it is doubtful that either competitor will be able to stand on their own against stronger foes. Let's face it...Sunny D and Purple Stuff need each other.




PURPLE STUFF

Seed: 10

Overview: Known to many only as Sunny D's opposition, Purple Stuff looks to shake the shadow of its big brother and move out on its own. The fact that nobody is entirely sure what it is makes Purple Stuff a true wild card in this tournament.

Pros: Purple liquids usually taste all right.

Cons: I just can't shake the thought that it might be grape tang. Even worse, it may or may not be the same liquid that killed Pimp C.

Outlook: This is Purple Stuff's golden opportunity. Unfortunately it has been in the position many times and those energetic, athletic youngsters always go with the Sunny D.

First Round: Pitchfork vs. Toast

PITCHFORK

Seed: 3

Overview: The popular music web-zine was founded Ryan Schreiber who, sick and tired of being told what to listen to by Rolling Stone and MTV, decided that HE should be the one to tell people what to listen to.

Pros: Makes fun of bad bands that think they are good like Louis XIV, Jet, and Ghostland Observatory (okay, I admit, I've never listened to Ghostland Observatory. But I take Pitchfork's word for it.)

Cons: Have to be careful reading it at work (those damn American Apparel ads border on NSFW when you work in a first grade classroom.)

Outlook: Everyone will vote for Pitchfork but nobody will admit to voting for Pitchfork. Personally...good but not great...I give them a 7.9...Recommended.




TOAST

Seed: 14

Overview: I tip my hat to the person who invented toast. In fact, I just had me a couple pieces half an hour ago...ironically while reading Pitchfork's South by Southwest reviews. Buttered or dry, pumpernickel or rye, it's all good...except with marmalade because marmalade is fucking gross.

Pros: Name three people who dislike toast. That's what I thought.

Cons: Name three people who religiously check on their toast several times a day and consult it before trips to the record store. That's what I thought.

Outlook: Toast is a big underdog here, but is certainly a Cinderella contender. I mean...come on...who doesn't like toast?

First Round: B-52's vs. Georgia O'Keefe

THE B-52’S

Seed: 5

Overview: With their upbeat new-wave dance meets surf rock sound, The B-52’s cruise into the tournament on the high of their most recent success….doing the theme song for Rocko’s Modern Life.

Pros: Fred Schneider is unassailably cool, and Kate Pierson still manages to exude an aura of pure sex.

Cons: In 1994 they did a cover of the Flintstones theme song for the live action Flintstones movie.

Outlook: Honestly, who is going to vote for Georgia O’Keefe over the B-52’s?




GEORGIA O’KEEFE

Seed: 12

Overview: She drew a bunch of pictures of flowers that look like vaginas.

Pros: Cheap porn.

Cons: Her work has been commended as being strongly vaginal. Does that word make you uncomfortable Mr. Lebowski? Vagina!

Outlook: Yonic images are often considered to be a symbol of fertility and the goddess. Unfortunately, the B-52’s are misogynists.

First Round: National-Louis University vs. Gonzaga

NATIONAL-LOUIS UNIVERSITY

Seed: 6

Overview: NLU is the oldest university in Chicago. Its most famous alumnus appears to be Richard Hatch of Survivor fame. Apparently at one point the school was called The National Kindergarten College...how awesome is that?

Pros: Small class size.

Cons: I don't have any money.

Outlook: National-Louis University is this year's host school and as such ought to have a favorable crowd. But Gonzaga's always a tough out come March, so we'll see.



GONZAGA

Seed: 11

Overview: Gonzaga is a Jesuit university in Spokane, Washington. The school rose to athletic fame in the late '90s when the basketball team started beating higher seeded schools in tournament games. Then they started to actually be a good team...and began losing to lower seeded teams.

Pros: Bing Crosby and John Stockton. Ranked 25th most fit school in the United States by Men's Fitness Magazine.

Cons: People are getting kind of tired of them.

Outlook: Y'know...all this research kind of makes me wish I went to school there. Seems like a nice place. ANYWAY...the Zags are an underdog which usually works in their favor. I expect a low scoring affair with a high rate of voter apathy.

First Round: Soulja Boy vs. Taft

SOULJA BOY

Seed: 4

Overview: Souja Boy Tellem (what the hell kind of name for a rapper is that anyway?) can be credited with starting a new trend in hip hop...one in which seventeen-year-olds just walk around all goofy like screaming "YAHHHH" in the face of unsuspecting white people (like Taft?) who are just trying to figure out what in the devil he's talking about. BIGGITTTY BAHHHH!

Pros: Lots of people still don't know what "Superman that Hoe" means. Once they catch on it may be over for the seventeen-year-old (I wonder if his mother knows.) Either that or it will just become acceptable.

Cons: Got F's on his report card.

Outlook: Soulja Boy should cruise. I'm trying to think of more to say but I can't stop laughing at the prospect of Soulja Boy and Taft competing against each other at anything. Seriously...chess, freestyling, diplomacy, ping pong, farting competitions. Every single one of these would be hilarious.



TAFT

Seed: 13

Overview: William Howard Taft was the 27th president of the United States. He is also believed by many historians (like my good friends SixTimes) to be our "most walrus looking" president.

Pros: It seems like he would be likable. Plans to beat Soulja Boy at his own game by releasing the new hot dance/single "Bust Your Trust."

Cons: Could stand to lose a few pounds.

Outlook: I fully expect Taft to...ummm...ok, I'm sorry. Now I'm just picturing Taft doing the "Crank That" dance.

Ham (8) vs. Dan O'Brien

HAM

Seed: 8

Overview: Often confused with the non-kosher cuisine, Ham was the son of Biblical boater Noah, who is often confused with fiction.

Pros: Has bested tougher opponents…like the flood.

Cons: Is named Ham.

Outlook: It might be a rough match-up for Ham, seeing as historically his approach has been waiting till his opponent (or dad), is drunk, and then taking advantage of him. Lets hope Dan O’Brien likes the sauce.




DAN O’BRIEN

Seed: 9

Overview: Dan O’Brien was a former Olympic gold medalist in the decathlon and has been referred to as the best decathlete of the 90’s. No one debates this because no one knows any other decathletes from the 90’s. Best known for his Reebok promotional “Dan vs. Dave” competition. No one really knows what happened to Dave.

Pros: Is good at sports games

Cons: Was a decathlete in the 90’s.

Outlook: If Dan has kept up his game, he may be able to…um…what do decathletes do? Jump over Ham in some fashion, be it with a pole or preceded by a hop and a skip.

First Round: River Tam vs. Snuffleupagus

RIVER TAM

Seed: 5

Overview: River Tam is a genius looney tune who escaped from some kind of Academy and began flying around the universe on a spaceship with her dweeby brother and a colorful cast of characters who got themselves into all kinds of entertaining pickles before Fox decided to move on to other quality programming, like Greg the Bunny. She is now a terminator who seems to be developing a personality.

Pros: Can kill you with her brain.

Cons: Canceled.

Outlook: Beware the 5-12. River Tam is a cult hero and if she builds up steam could go far in this tournament. Unfortunately, she earned a tough draw in Mr. Snuffleupagus, who could be a sentimental favorite.




MR. SNUFFLEUPAGUS

Seed: 12

Overview: Aloysius Snuffleupagus, once believed to be an imaginary creature, turned out to be oh so real when the adults finally saw him in 1985. Snuffy has a little sister named Alice that you probably don't remember. She goes to Snufflegarten.

Pros: He's a fuckng elephant....or something.

Cons: Seems a little mopey.

Outlook: Now that they believe in him everybody likes Mr. Snuffleupagus. Unfortunately, their love for Snuffy is a bit wishy washy. He should go as far as your sentimentality takes him.

First Round: Shatner vs. No Child Left Behind

SHATNER

Seed: 1

Overview: Big victories for Bill Shatner include wins over the Klingons and unfair rate hiking hotels. Having narrowly pulled the upset over Patrick Stewart in the Enterprise Captain’s Conference, Bill Shatner will get a chance to boldly go all the way this year.

Pros: Sexy as a svelte James T. Kirk, sexier as pleasantly plump Denny Crane.

Cons: Khaaaaaaaaans!

Outlook: Shatner should have a good idea of NCLB’s game plan, as in Star Trek IV he spearheaded the No Whales Left Behind initiative.


NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND

Seed: 16

Overview: The Bush Administration’s brilliant education plan has edged its way into the tournament this year by doing what it does best, threatening to kill anyone who doesn’t perform.

Pros: Everyone knows how to take standardized tests; Flashy packaging.

Cons: You got a few minutes?

Outlook: It doesn’t look good for NCLB as apparently punishing people for doing their job doesn’t make them perform any better.

First Round: Robots (8) vs. Donda West (9)

ROBOTS

Seed: 8

Overview: Robots have come a long way. There was a time when they were only in the movies. They now help us with a number of tasks. (I don't trust them though.)

Pros: Are said to work harder, better, faster, and stronger than their human counterparts. As far as I can tell they don't die.

Cons: It has been said that they are dead inside. They don't look as cool as you might imagine (see picture.)

Outlook: The future is bright for robots. If Terminator is to be trusted they should be a heavy contender for this title by 2011. For the moment they will try and pick up some much needed tournament experience and a win over the lifeless Donda West before meeting an all-out juggernaut in The Dude.




DONDA WEST

Seed: 9

Overview: Donda West is the former chair of the English department at Chicago State University. When her son hit it big as a rapper/producer she quit her job and Kanye started buying her stuff. Then she wrote a book. Then she up and died and her son made everybody cry at the Grammys for a few minutes before they went back to bitching about how conceited he is.

Pros: Good grammar. According to sources, she never put no man over her son. Known to inspire xylophone-driven music that sounds vaguely reminiscent of "The Boxer."

Cons: Dead.

Outlook: Donda has an upbeat attitude and a great son, but it may not be enough for her to overcome the fact that she is not alive.

INTERLUDE: Important News!

So Pitchfork Music Festival is back, and I also love Paul and Krissy for getting married on the 13th of July, hence not interfering with my plans to see Public Enemy, Animal Collective, !!!, M. Ward, Dizzee Rascal, and many MANY more the next weekend.

Back to the voting...

First Round: Masturbation vs. Dora the Explorer

MASTURBATION

Seed: 1

Overview: If you don’t know, you better acks somebody

Pros: Easily the most fun way to lose your eyesight.

Cons: The simple fact that Masturbation received a low seed count (1) may prove problematic for the age old practice.

Outlook: Masturbation seems to have found a way to deal with Dora’s most stalwart defender and steals leader by yelling “SWIPER NO SWIPING!” However, many have looked for Masturbation to be upset in the tournament ever since Onan was struck dead for spilling.




DORA THE EXPLORER

Seed: 16

Overview: Having exploded onto the scene in 2000 with her child friendly Spanglish programming, Dora has been credited as the reason why our children can now speak two languages poorly.

Pros: She’s a cheap babysitter

Cons: Being paired against Masturbation, most of Dora’s fan base will not be allowed to attend the event to show their support for the underdog due to the presence of no no special spots.

Outlook: Having lost Diego to his own spinoff means Dora likely won’t have a proper big man in the low post.

The Dude vs. Babar

THE DUDE

Seed: 1

Overview: The Dude is Jeffrey Lebowski, a middle-aged underachiever from Orange County. His life consisted mainly of bowling and dodging his rent until one day a couple thugs busted in his house and took a piss on HIS fucking rug. From there he went through a series of hi-jinx eventually leading to pop culture superstardom and a number one seed in this tournament.

Pros: The Dude's easy going attitude makes him a perpetual favorite. He is a good bowler. A dope soundtrack. Sweet friends. He tends to abide.

Cons: Not many. It has been said the Dude is lazy, but a strong work ethic is not necessarily required in this tourney.

Outlook: If the Dude keeps his head in the game he should go far in this tourney. If not he could be in for an early exit. But the beauty about the Dude is he just doesn't care.



BABAR

Seed: 16

Overview: Babar is an elephant who took a trip to Europe or something and came back to teach all the heathen African animals the benefits of Western civilization. I think he was a king.

Pros: He's a fucking elephant.

Cons: Sell-out. Contributed to the destruction of a great civilization. Disputes over pronunciation.

Outlook: It should be a quick exit for the elephant king. Luckily for him he has his bastard colonial government to return to.

BRACKETS ARE HERE!!!

OKAY...it's time.

This tournament premiered four years ago in the Student Movement. It was a raving success and in the end Robert Goulet was victorious. Now Mr. Mike and P Des J have teamed up to once again bring you the finest in March entertainment.

It has been four long years. Goulet has died. Yet many of the other contenders are back. And many new faces have emerged. Voting begins Monday. The match-ups are as follows:

Curated by Mr. Mike:


SHENANIGANS BRACKET

The Dude (1)
Babar (16)

Robots (8)
Donda West (9)

River Tam (5)
Snuffleupagus (12)

Soulja Boy (4)
Taft (13)

National-Louis University (6)
Gonzaga (11)

Toast (3)
Pitchfork Media (14)

Sunny D (7)
Purple Stuff (10)

Dwight Schrute (2)
A Pekingese (15)


MANDERS BRACKET

My Dad (1)
Miley Cyrus (16)

Autism (8)
Kickball (9)

Tony Rich Project (5)
Pirates (12)

A Wee 3-Year-Old Girl (4)
Linkin Park (13)

Daniel Plainview (6)
Kelis' Milkshake (11)

Obama (3)
A Bear (14)

Anton Chigurh (7)
Llamas (10)

Robert Goulet (2)
Pierogis (15)


Curated by P Des J:

ROBERT GOULET MEMORIAL BRACKET

Masturbation (1)
Dora the Explorer (16)

Ham (8)
Dan O'Brien (9)

The B-52's (5)
Georgia O'Keefe (12)

Judd Apatow (4)
Christmas (13)

Shia Lebouf (6)
Disease (11)

Perverts (3)
Dateline (14)

The 5th Amendment (7)
Bunk Beds (10)

The Wii (2)
Marmaduke (15)


THE BRACKET BRACKET

Shatner (1)
No Child Left Behind (16)

Moustaches (8)
Bell Biv Devoe (9)

Davey and Goliath (5)
A Colonoscopy (12)

Farming (4)
Floyd Mayweather (13)

Tony Toni Tone (6)
The Zoo (11)

World of Warcraft (3)
Noobs (14)

West Side Story (7)
Rugrats (10)

Hopscotch (2)
Facebook (15)

Also...if anyone has a nice idea about how I can put these into bracket form on this blog, let me know. Thanks.